I’m talking nonsense
There’s something about darkness. It consumes things. It consumes the sun, it consumes the mind, it consumes the body eventually. and It hinders and destroys my creativity. and sometimes it builds it back up.
But sometimes it allows me to let you leave with out saying anything. Oh how I wish I had said something. Almost two years and I can feel myself saying ‘don’t go, just stay’. and every time I think about it, every time I visualize the last moments before you reached your door and before I heard it close, no sound comes out, and I fall back into my unknowing state of consciousness, and sleep. and every time I’m consumed again, not by darkness but by the purest form of regret. because that’s not love.
To the only boy who understood. The only human being to ever touch the insides of my soul with his words. To my secret keeper and heart beat listener. to the boy who kissed me out of curiosity. . I wish you would have stayed.
Because death and life and understanding are inevitable. and unavoidable and they happen. and there was never a right person for it to happen to, but you were the wrong one. and I guess I miss you tonight, and last night, and the night before. and the world seems lifeless and dull without you, and I feel lifeless and dull without you. so this time I ask you to stay. don’t go, just stay.
and in the midst of nostalgia I am then reminded of your smile. and your energy, and your ambiance . and you wouldn’t want me like this. and so I redirect and move on without solace. But in secret, I still mourn for you,
this feels like retrospective love. but it’s not.
it’s just about me, finding someone who understood. someone beautiful and tragic, and magnetic. and watching them leave. and not being able to stop them. and trying to live with that. and I think that’s why I’m not able to move on. because the repercussions are too big, and I am so very small. And heaven is really fucking far away